I've been spending some time writing an intro to this post but I have deleted everything that I've come up with, so I'm just going to jump right into it...
Why am I still here, when this other person is not? How is that fair? A lot of times I am not compliant with my treatments and medicine, yet I am still healthy. Why? Other CFers make sure to do their treatments three to four times a day, yet they struggle to breathe. Why?
These are some of the questions I ask myself too often. I struggle with the emotions of survivor's guilt almost everyday. These emotions turn into mental blocks which can become debilitating. If I am not careful, these questions and emotions can take ahold of me and ruin my day. Anyone who has struggled with any sort of trauma in their lives, knows the kind of feelings I'm writing about. There is no magical piece of advice that anyone can give to make these thoughts disappear. The only thing that we can do is to train our brains to catch our thoughts and turn them into positive motivation. Self-awareness and acceptance has led me to counteract these guilty feelings because I hold the key to my future. I was born with purpose, along with every other living being on this earth.
At 14, I saw my first pediatric psychologist who specialized in counseling kids with chronic and fatal illnesses. During our first session, she taught me how to redirect my remorseful thoughts. Her advice for me was to write down all of my dreams and goals in thorough detail. She recommended that I sketch a floor plan to my dream home, start a list of future baby and pet names, plan my dream wedding, etc. Her ideas sounded a little crazy to me at the time, considering I was barely a teenager, but I went home that evening and started a journal. I found that her advice actually worked. After every entry, I felt as if my dreams were in reach and that one day, I could actually turn them into a reality. With further therapy and soul searching, I realized that I, along with everyone else, was born with passion and purpose. I can feel the fire within me; It would be a tragedy if I let that energy burn out.
There are so many things that I still have yet to experience that are on my bucket list. I shouldn't feel guilty about living out my dreams. No one should! I also believe that every being passed, sends off an energy to the next. There are so many people with CF that have left this world way too early, but I know that they would be disappointed if I stopped doing what I loved because I felt unworthy. They'd want me to continue to beat the odds. I will be apart of the "Cure Found" generation as well as make a positive impact on the lives of other people living with cystic fibrosis.