Over the last couple of months I’ve had TOO much time to self reflect, which I'm sure is the general consensus. Because of this “meh” feeling I’ve been suffering with, I’ve been digging to the bottom to try to uncover the underlying reason of, “WHY AM I SO SAD?” I think I’ve struck gold. Sad gold.
I’ve been unemployed and unimportant. I’m a nanny, so my able, adult body is depended on by a (now) two year old for things like, tying shoe laces, cutting meals into tiny bite sizes, fixing toys, cleaning up messes, carrying all the things, wiping tears away, kissing boo boo’s, hugging it out, and being a human pillow. Some days are frustrating and exhausting but damn, it is worth it. The satisfaction and genuine joy I feel from hearing him struggle in his sweet baby voice to exclaim, “I love you!” makes me cry. Holding him tight while he falls asleep in my arms is EVERYTHING. You wanna feel love? Rock a baby to sleep. Your heart might explode. Atleast, that’s how it makes me feel.
However, since I haven’t been able to hold my miniature friend, or see his awesome smile in over 60 days, I am sad. No one has been asking me to help find their shoes, or give them snacks, or even change their diaper. Okay so I’m actually very fine not having diapers to change, but you get the point! My presence hasn’t been needed - and that’s what I’m struggling with.
If you’re unemployed for the time being or your workload has been cut short, I’m sure you can relate to that last statement in some way or another. Personally, I am validated when I feel truly seen or heard. Not in a superficial way, but like when I’m deeply understood and cared for and listened to. When I don’t feel this way, it’s absolutely soul-crushing. I start questioning my own worth and purpose to my core. I have to cling to positivity and any sort of reminders of reassurance, since my day-to-day is out of the ordinary. I know I am not alone in this!
So, after discovering the problem we must find a solution, right? Well, what if the solution isn’t so clear? Given this unchartered territory that we’re in, how do we even begin to start fixing?
The only answers I have are to-do’s and distractions I’ve set up for myself everyday. Like a basic checklist, so I can check, check away. Here’s an example:
[ ] Brush teeth
[ ] Wash face
[ ] Go on a walk
[ ] Clean/laundry
[ ] Tend to plants
[ ] Eat
[ ] Make something
[ ] Brush teeth again
[ ] Shower, maybe?
[ ] Watch Jeopardy
[ ] Sleep
Typing that out was tragically awakening.
I hope that after reading this, you feel seen and heard.
Note: Believe me when I say that I am very aware of how things could be for me. Given my compromised immune system, the fear of getting the virus is VERY real. In no way am I minimizing those who are on the front line of this pandemic. I am extremely grateful everyday for the basic necessities that I am privileged to have. Shelter, food, clean water, health, and love should never be taken for granted or overlooked. Without them, I wouldn’t have the luxury to vent about my feelings. I empathize with people all over the world who are suffering either mentally, emotionally, or physically. Love, always.